Why Some People Never Learn to Trust Others - By Christine M Hammond
Have you
ever wondered why some people cannot seem to trust anyone? Maybe you are
married to someone who despite all of your positive efforts of encouragement
still struggles with being able to trust you. Maybe you have a friend who
automatically distrusts everyone they come in contact with including supposed
safe categories of people such as the police or a pastor. Or maybe you have a
child who mistrusts everything you say. Regardless of any positive outcomes,
they remain steadfast in mistrust.
There are
some concepts that psychology does really well and some that it tragically
falls short but one that has stood the test of time is Erik Erikson's Eight
Stages of Psychosocial Development. The first stage from birth to eighteen
months is Trust vs. Mistrust and it is the foundational stage upon which all
future issues lie. If a person learns to trust others for feeding, nurturing,
comfort, and safety during this time, then they will have an easier time
trusting others in the future. But if they don't learn to trust, then the
foundation has been laid for a lifetime of mistrust.
The Psychology. Simply
put, Erikson concluded that all babies by their nature need to trust someone to
care for them as they are incapable of self-care between birth and eighteen
months. During these foundational years, a baby must rely on crying to
communicate all needs: food, comfort, pain, nurturing, and safety. It is the
responsibility of the caretaker (hopefully the parent) to meet those needs in a
loving manner. If the infant fails to have his/her needs met then they learn
not to trust their caretaker for meeting their basic needs.
The Child. A
child who learns to trust the caretaker to meet the most basic needs now is
capable of trusting them even further to meeting his/her wants and desires. On
the other hand, a child who learns to mistrust the caretaker fails to develop
any further trust and subsequently has a difficult time attaching to the
caretaker. There is an unnatural distance between the caretaker and the child
as neither one engages with the other, it is a distance that only grows as the
child grows. But a child who has learned to trust will naturally run to the
caretaker whenever there is trouble and the bond between the two is
unmistakable.
The Adult. As a
trusting adult, the evidence of trust will be seen in many relationships but
most evident in a marriage relationship. However, if the adult as a child
attached only to the same sex parent, they may struggle with trusting someone
of the opposite sex, the same is true in reverse. More obvious is the adult who
never learned to trust anyone as a child, now struggles with trusting friends,
family, colleagues, spouse, children, and especially the spouse's family.
The Cure. Just
because someone grew up in an environment where they learned not to trust
anyone, does not mean this must be permanent. It does mean that it will be a
struggle or even an ongoing battle but it can be overcome with hard work, time
and energy. Learning to trust God is one of the best ways to conquer mistrust
and while this may seem counter-intuitive, it does work. In some ways, God is
easier to trust than humans because He is not human but supernatural so the old
wiring that says people cannot be trusted does not apply. God also provides a
safe environment free from criticism or rejection. But for some, this is a hard
concept to grasp as every fiber in their being tells them that if they cannot
trust a caregiver, how can they trust God? So instead it becomes a leap of
faith that is too big or scary. For the others that take the leap of faith and
trust in God, their trust extends slowly to others as time has passed and
evidence has been gained that some people can be trusted.
The next
time you run across someone who has a hard time trusting others, spend a bit of
energy in understanding their perspective and try to see life from their point
of view. You will frequently find some trauma in the early years between birth
and eighteen months that justifies their position. So, don't give up on them,
trust them first and be a light to others who are trying to find their way in a
sea of mistrust.
Chris Hammond
is a Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern at LifeWorks Group w/ over 15
years of experience as a counselor, mentor & teacher for children,
teenagers & adults. Reprint
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